That night’s good night story came from a stack of German
books from my wife’s childhood.
“Die Hase und der
Igel.” I read the title aloud as I opened the book to read to my kids.
The Hare and the Hedgehog.
“That’s cute,” I thought, “The Germans replaced the tortoise
in ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’ with a hedgehog.” I imagined an adorable, spiky hedgehog
facing off in a running race against the boisterous hare. At that moment it
made perfect sense.
The story began as it always did: The hedgehog minding his
own business when suddenly an annoying, intrusive hare appears out of nowhere
and begins hassling the poor rodent. Usually you’d figure a guy like that’s a
Mormon. Or a Republican. But he’s not, he’s just a big rabbit.
The teasing escalates until the hedgehog and the hare agree
to a race the hare wanted all along. And then the German version gets weird: Rather than tooling around a forest path, the duo agree to face off
in a simple sprint from one end of the hedgehog’s field to the other.
“Fair enough,” I thought. “The story’s over quicker that
way.” Hoping for a fast end to my parenting duties, I began contemplating
whether to end the day with wine, beer or camembert.
Then, the hedgehog did a very strange thing, something that
isn’t in that Aesop fable we all know: The hedgehog calls for his wife and tells
her to dress just like him.
“Wow,” I thought, thinking the Germans had not only
introduced a new animal into the ancient tale, they’d also included a bit of
cross-dressing. “Those liberal Germans!”
Then comes the hedgehog’s strategy: He and his wife will
just stand at each end of the field and every time the hare arrives, he’ll
think he’s already been beat by a hedgehog that hasn’t even broken a sweat.
What? What happened to slow and steady wins the race? What
happened to perseverance? What happened to doing the right thing despite
miserable odds? Where’s the morality play?
The hedgehog is going to CHEAT? I was so incensed I even thought
in all caps. Liberal Germans indeed!
The hare and the hedgehog progresses just as the wily
hedgehog predicts: After the first race, the rabbit thinks his spiky competitor
is beating him and continues to propose a rematch in the hopes he will finally
emerge victorious. The hare can’t, of course, and, depending on the version,
either admits defeat, goes insane or – yes – dies of exhaustion. What a kids
story!
For years I thought this poetic license with the original
Aesop Fable stood for all that was wrong with Germany. Now I think it’s why
German kids seem better prepared for life: They already know that assholes are
best countered with fraud, deceit and gender bending.
I’ve also learned that the Tortoise and the Hare and the
Hase und Igel are two different stories, one by Aesop and one stolen from Aesop
by Germany’s own Shakespeares: The Brothers Grimm.
Once again the Germans are doing it right: Slow and steady
wins the race is a garbage axiom. Anyone over 10 knows it’s untrue and as
someone who’s run the Berlin Marathon twice I can tell you it doesn’t win the
race at all: Slow and steady gets you 32,001th place, or 4,291th place in your
age/sex group.
Next time I'll dress like my wife.